I Have A Secret,

Hand over my mouth, your face didn’t like what I said.  Sorry,just kidding, I’ll punish myself instead.  I went way too far, I didn’t put on my filter.  I’m just being me, tear me down like a twister.  Destroy my shelter, I don’t like the real me. I'll apologize , quickly, energetically. You call me awful, give my heart a great tug. Forget you, I’m done, I’ll give myself a big hug.  -Belle Rose 

Stay up for hours, I'll thank the front of my brain.  Thoughts run through my mind, trying to prove I'm insane.  Resisting the urge, to cut away the bad feeling.  Addiction stays put, erasing hard work and healing.  I have good outlets, but I still count on the blade,  to beat the sadness, because to tell, I'm afraid.  I'll be asked questions, "How does hurting help your pain?" But the good news is, I'm connected to a chain.  I can't run too far, bad thoughts will go down the drain.  I open the bottle, the relief I will collect.  Swallow my worries, a wonderful side effect.  -Belle Rose 

Emotionally unintelligent, unsympathetic and cruel. Self destructive, dangerous monster, definition of a fool.  Unstable, insecure, and child-like, full of unbearable traits. An untreatable virus, infection, Bitch, holding you down like weights.  Defensive, insane and manipulative, distorting reality.  Selfish, conversations unproductive, immature, too care-free.  I made a mistake, now I am immoral, fist down, I learned not to fight.  I'm an asshole, a terrible person, don't fret, you are, again, right.  -Belle Rose 

I'm only writing because I have an urge. And all of these feelings, I will have to submerge. From the guilt after, telling someone my pain. The embarrassment, of my my borderline brain. The insecure lies, my anxiety finds. The weak side of me, reattached to their minds. When I'm all alone, those caring voices sink Today I'll save me, It's better done in ink. -Belle Rose

I peak outside, my nose touches the glass, cold, but needed, pain is felt like mowed grass-- smooth, but messy, torn apart, scattered bits cloudy and damp, my hopeless mind submits.  But the clouds part, the sun fights to be seen.  I see a streak, on the other side, green. Warm and happy, floating, oddly impressed. Then the clouds appear, shadows, feelings suppressed. Cover the glass, pain and darkness will start. Guarding the sun, guarding my fragile heart.  -Belle Rose 

I hope your heart, will spin out of control Dizzy and sick, falling in a deep hole. Deep in sadness, always never enough Losing your worth, not a diamond, but rough.  I hope you cry, until your brown eyes close Dream then wake up, by a thorn of a rose. Smile all day, then feel low when alone Hear one song, then feel the cuts that were sown. Smell memories, of fresh cookies and love vanilla, fruit, or all of the above.  But most of all, I pray that you can heal My broken heart does not want you to feel... How I feel.  -Belle Rose 

Alone This has happened before, fighting on my own. Self-hatred and sadness, thin marks, and bruised bone. The urges still haunt me, I see red and relief  The pain still controls me, that old friend, a thief. Stealing my sanity, my strength, my progress My brush needs a canvas ,I'll gently  caress  I have missed you, master,  the love you have shown. Convincing and charming, making me feel alone. Belle Rose 

Boxed up with a bow, gift beautiful, secure wrapped in soft cloth, feeling happy and sure. Now the tape is torn,not well kept together cut open with holes, tossed like a weak feather.  The gift is shattered, but remains in that box damaged, unworthy, weighed down by giant rocks.  Rocks that dent the shape, that was rebuilt so well admired gently, ringing praises like a bell.  Fixed way too quickly, ripped apart in pieces scattered everywhere, the burden increases. Swept up in one scoop, little noise to the ears. Swept up in one day, a gift wrapped for eight years. -Belle Rose

Mirror I hate you, for making every day hell. Close your mouth, this will not be show and tell.  Hold it in, do not let anyone know.  Hide it well, keep your insecure face low.  Swallow glass, that cuts your heart in pieces.  Smile wide, as all your pain releases,  somewhere safe, but don't give it away, even if it is a growing bouquet.  Stay sane, breathe, and just let it all go. Stop crying, or you will never bestow,  a smile, a happy life by your side. A story, about a beautiful bride.  Please learn, I hope this is crystal clear. I hate you.  Your reflection is gone, dear. 

Photo from:  AuthenticGrowth.com Words talked over, my voice inside my head Eyes controlled me, my skin burned, cut, and dead Anxiety, told me the biggest lies Notebook pages, soaked up all my loud cries Every mistake, piled up on my chest Heart beat, fast pace, impossible to rest The attention, self-esteem took hold of It hurts to unwrap, what a gift is self-love. 

Medicated Will I really feel better, if I swallow this pill? Handle all the emotions, that I can't handle still.  Justifying my sadness, and living with pressure. Having a torture free mind, would that be a cure? Would my words of struggle leave me? Would my voice be the same? The one that defends others, the one that ends self-blame.  Emotions felt normally, would lack inspiration. These emotions are mine, felt without medication.  I'll take away the burden, blind you from my coping.  Should I not feel better? Hey, who is this helping? I don't want you to suffer, I want you to feel free.  Who deserves to feel better? Surely, not me. 

Pencils Down The paper is in front of me, problem number one, It's the easy one.  I rush through it, because I know all the answers. But I never hear the right answer, because I am too busy saying "I am right". So then I give up and I move on, but this problem has more steps, more thinking,  and my mind is still on the first problem and I keep adding more mistakes... more problems. So I slow down, try to understand all the problems, try to solve it in my head, but now there are too many problems, and I don't know where to start. Are  the edges of the page getting sharp? Are the lines on the page sticking to my skin, the skin covered in panic, the skin covered in tears. I can't keep track of which problem I am on, I'm still on the first one,  and I can't stop looking at it. I'm avoiding everything else on this page, "My answers are stupid!" I start to erase, and rewrite what I thin...

Bullet  The sky is carrying me, I am comfortably flying. Everything is still, no wind, calm. I smile to myself, and say, "I'm safe." I continue on my journey, I continue being loved. Then the winds begin to pick up, it's all my fault. I got too comfortable, I lost control of my actions. My vision is blurred, from rain, my own tears. I barely dodge every bullet, I dive and  make sharp turns. I flip and soar...  But the very last bullet kills me. -Belle Rose

Dear Washington, You consumed my joy yet you also added smile You stole my proof-- Proof that there is such thing as fate, that there is such thing as defeating one's fears, and meeting your wish, on the road to Damascus. Take care of my joy, my wish Take care of my Friend

Band-Aid Don't blame their words. Open wounds,  the skin is torn. You ripped it off too fast. -Belle Rose

Artist There is a pretty picture that one sees, sunshine and puffy white clouds. green trees, and smooth dirt. Flowers that do not all look the same. Some with one petal, some with none, and some that are worn, brown, dead. But they are still beautiful. Storm clouds roll in, there is no more light, no more beauty can be seen, no more eyes look toward these colors in the picture, the unique traits. The eyes only see rain , rain drops standing still on ambition, on intentions, smearing the color, making everything unnoticeable. Until one can only see lines. There is no more picture, Just lines. -Belle Rose

I'm Not Okay Remember the chair you admired in the basement 6 years ago, the one below the pipes.  You would imagine kicking it over, out of fear--anger.  Yeah, I'm thinking about it now. Remember that tool you stole from the art room, the one you took with you everywhere.  That one that was always there to listen to you, the one that reminded you that you were still alive...physically, that everything was really happening. Yeah, I wish I never threw it away Remember feeling like nothing was ever good enough! When no one understood you!  When it took hours to talk about how you felt, and seconds to write that feeling down. Yeah, I feel the same way now. Remember beating these thoughts on your own? Just now? I'm Okay. -Belle Rose

Balloon I have been alone in this quiet space, yesterday,   today, and soon I will be tomorrow. I wish I was able to hug you, in a  minute, in a second, right now. Distance really makes one realize how important moments are. Whether they are Sweet,  sad, or holding onto an argument for too long. You make me remember what it is like to have faith, when letting go of my struggles, in the windy and mysterious skies. Watching my struggle drift away,  fading into clouds, slowly falling down, until there is no more pride to lift that struggle up, until I finally give up and admit my weakness. I hope that this struggle stops above you. I hope that this balloon's shadow covers where you stand right now, and, POPS. So that all the pieces hug their arms around you, the one who knows me the most, and you will see my struggle, no matter how far away you may be. -Belle Rose

A Part of You Why do we feel the need to live without flaw? Improve today, make another mistake, improve by tomorrow. We place so much importance on improving ourselves, that we do not give ourselves a chance to love us. What if a flaw is the reason for your existence? What if a flaw is the reason why someone loves you? What if no matter what you do, a flaw that you have will always be attached to you? What if that is what makes you...you? Like anything else that is permanent,  why can't we learn to love these flaws? -- A Part Of You! -Belle Rose

Walls The walls surrounding me are covered with different pictures, different patterns, different places with scattered holes. The room is small, and each wall is getting closer and closer to me, until they all consume me. Take advantage of my weakness, squeeze me to death-- causing the death of my original self. -Belle Rose