October 18th, 2010

Finding Myself  

I've learned more about myself in the last few weeks than the two years

that I have been tied down to one heart.

I also have not had many moments where I wanted to 

pull out my friend-- to cut all my worries into little pieces!

Only a few times,

I promise.

But a few times is better than everyday of my life.

I have another face that I see now before I commit to that first cut.

This face is different though.

This face  isn't helping me do it.

This face isn't causing my pain, my low self-esteem.

This face doesn't just try to make the pain go away with a dark joke.

He actually cares.

Everything is so different with him.

I'm so comfortable around him.

At one moment we will be talking about movies and 

then out of no where, I'll spill some of my deepest secrets...without any regret.

But I love the one who adds to the pain.

The one who has a place on my skin, 

all red and faded.

Always there when I need it though...

which is too often.

Who the hell has places on their skin designated for each person that hurts them...?

Me.

The stupid girl that can't just "get over it".

And now...

the "bandage" is showing up on my cell phone's screen,

butterflies are flying too much in my stomach,

while at the same time,

I'm torturing myself for letting the one who "loves" me persuade me to do, 

again, what he wants.

How did I get into this mess?

All I did was be myself.

-Belle Rose